i hope you liked the gift and that it works on your phone too. i’ve been genuinely worried it might not, and that would be kinda embarrassing so i hope it went smooth lol.
i got this idea from when you said you don’t want to finish life is strange because that would make it feel real and finished for good, so i made our own.
we can keep adding to it, updating it, living it instead of just playing it.
because that’s basically what the game is about, right? and now it’s an endless experience :)
Departing is our first episode in this game. i'm assuming we’re now at the airport, and heading back to Madison and this is where i give you the gift.
it’s more like a journal now, a way to remember our episodes. there is more to come and this is only the beginning.
aching.
that is all i can feel.
a hug is all i feel like i need.
i am hurt but i still feel the same.
i doubted your love at some point, but now i dont
i was doubtful, and that's when i told you
now, i dont doubt it. and i never doubted that before either
but whatever you say, i still feel replaced, because matter of fact i was replaced, and it cant be differently framed.
in the start, i was compared.
in the end, i was replaced.
that is how i feel.
i am sure, that is what would anyone feel, even you, if you ever were in my place.
matter of time, it is not me going with you to the laufey concert.
not me at the whiplash orchestra.
i really wish i could give you the birthday i couldnt last year.
i planned it thro for a year, but i know i just cant this year either.
i understand well that you wont receive it in the spirit i meant it, and i dont want to disturb you or ruin your day.
i dont want to go to your concerts because i know i will see what will break me, not because i dont care, not because i dont want to. i really wish to be there.
i know i will be left out and alone, and you will have someone else youd rather spend your time with.
i felt something similar in our last event.
i never thought i could be hurt this much, and i cant take it again.
i dont think i ever put you in that position, so i dont think you would ever get it.
because im the one who is in the archive now
left unnamed.
taken off your keychain.
like i never happened.
i still see stuff of people who arent in your life in your walls, but i dont see myself with them.
i look at your box and i feel like it was just a dream,
getting stuff for myself, thinking you were real.
a time capsule that felt like it was only for me.
even in my album, not even a picture of us together
only this picture from our last event.
i wish i could delete this last part of our story, like it never happened.
i wish we went separate ways before i saw and felt what i felt.
i wish we dealt with things differently
or i wish i changed my flight when we fought.
maybe we wouldnt be so hurt. but it doesnt matter anymore.
because no matter how much i want it gone, it still happened.
i still felt what i felt.
and i will always feel like that: replaced.
you feel my aura is different.
that i am different.
and to you, i smell different.
but what can i do?
i reacted to your course of actions and broke down
when it reached a certain point i couldnt handle.
even then, i held myself back from falling apart.
i sought you for days to talk and to hear you out.
i tried to be as understanding as i could. i didnt mind waiting in silence and pain.
i still smiled when i saw you.
i was still there when you needed help.
and now you cant see me the same, or look at my face.
i never felt acknowledged.
for long months, i just felt silenced and wronged all the time.
i have never done this to you.
i dont think, in any fight we had, i made you feel like this.
the only time i made you feel something similar, not to hurt you, but to not hurt myself, was the first time i felt seen.
acknowledged.
understood.
the time i recieved an apology.
but that was also the time you felt you couldnt look at my face.
couldnt see me the same.
and it hurt you.
so is this what it takes? it came but at what cost?
what you felt, i felt it so many times.
i couldnt eat for weeks too.
i couldnt sleep for weeks too.
i couldnt study for weeks.
i couldnt get out of bed for weeks.
i couldnt go to classes for weeks.
so i understand.
im not saying you deserve to feel it.
i never intended to make you feel it.
i was just watching over myself.
because i knew at that point i am on my own.
i knew you would do the same and you said that it's something you dont care about even if i wind up like that
and i cant not study, bedrot, and skip classes anymore. i just cant go thro that again
it will mess me up for good. my future.
i could end up in debt, i could fail to graduate in four years, i could lose my scholarship, i could get suspended.
you dont understand, and it feels like you dont care.
but i genuinely think i only made you feel like this once.
and you didnt want anything with me anymore because of it.
but you got how it was like.
im trying my best to still smile when i see you and you look at me,
and try to ignore your smiles when you are on your phone texting.
try to ignore myself convincing me that i feel like you are showing me that on purpose.
i loved you so much.
and this felt like a torture.
it’s not about logic.
it’s not about timelines.
it never was, not thro that lens.
and if you truly loved me, and after this you moving on, you would call it a torture too if tables were turned or if i put you in this position too. you would feel replaceable.
and the proof is how you acted that day when i showed you my phone in the james park event.
it is not the same, and it wasnt even real but i still received a strong reaction,
so i could imagine how it wouldve been if it was real.
to you, you dont want to remember or think about what you did.
you just want to apologize and move on with your life with what you got.
for me, i have to live with what you did and face it alone.
not remembering is not an option.
i never felt i needed to love or be loved.
but when i did, i loved you from the bottom of my heart, and i craved your love.
i never felt i needed someone in my life, except with you.
i lost it all.
im hurt and i dont need this connection with anyone. it is unfair and i cant do anyone good when im this hurt.
this would be our story’s last episode.
the one where we wind up Out of Touch.
im sorry we couldnt keep living it.
i really wished it would be an endless experience.
but sometimes, life can be strange.
so the least i can do is keep this page up and running.
